Soooooo, hi remember me???

Well, it has been a really long couple of months since I updated our progress.  Mainly because there has been no progress.  We put all things on hold to celebrate the holidays with our family.  Sadly, our building will be removed tomorrow.   But, have no fear.......this is not the end of our journey!  We have decided after MANY floor plan changes this is not the one for us.  We have decided to build from the ground up.  This process will take longer, but gives us way more financial and floor plan freedom.  We will still be building a "small" house, but not a "tiny" house.  Technically,  a tiny house is 400 sq ft and under.   A small house is 400 to 1000 sq ft.  We plan on being on the small side of a small house still, but so much happier with the idea of having a little more room to stretch out.  So again if anyone has any supplies, lumber, plumbing, cabinets, sinks, bathtubs, light fixtures, dry wall, etc.......for small fees or free PLEASE let us know.  Our plan is to build out of salvaged materials.  Or if you want to volunteer your time to help in our building process, I promise that no good help will be turned away.  We plan on getting this ball rolling very soon, so please stay tuned...............

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week!

So, I know some of y'all following us are wondering what the heck is going on.  I posted about the house being delivered and then never said anything else.  We are super excited about our house being delivered!  Work has been very slow though.   Sometimes life just gets in the way.  I think God has to do big things to get my attention and tell me that it's in his time, not mine.  The pictures you see are of the house after it was delivered and after we raised it up 18 inches to be able to run the plumbing.   The other picture is part of the reason for our delay.  We lost our truck that we purchased 5 months ago.  Luckily it waited to catch fire till after I got out of it.  And also a picture of our (new to me) tahoe.  We have decided we are a forever Chevy family ;)  We are in the process this week of moving everything out of our current home, which is turning into a huge task.  You don't realize how much crap you have that you don't need, haven't used, or don't even remember buying, until you have to move it.  I can't wait to live simply in our tiny home!  #thepurge

Biting our nails.......

The day has come!  The shell of our tiny home will be delivered tomorrow!   So, we had to go prep the land for the delivery guys.  Richard and I are both sad we have to work while it is being delivered.   But it will be a nice surprise tomorrow afternoon.   Stay tuned more to come....................

Slowly, but surely

We are slowly coming along.   We have cleared off the land (pics to come soon).  We are now in the process of working on the water and electricity.   I can't wait to have the building there already! This is my guys working on what is soon to be my floor!!!!!  ♡

Calling all unused toilets!!

We have purchased our land and are working on clearing it out.  Our house should be moved soon, hopefully.   We are asking for all the help we can get.  If you know of any toilets, sinks, cabinets, showers, lumber, flooring,  sheetrock, plumbing supplies, electrical supplies, etc. that someone wants to give away or sell.  Please, please let us know.  Our goal is to build this home as cheap as possible.   We know everyone is really interested in this new adventure we are taking, and we are inviting you to be involved.  

Less is more.........right?

This is the beginning of our new journey.  This is our new house.  What?????  Yes our new house!!!  We have made the decision as a family of 5, to down size.  I am excited and petrified at the same time.  We are going from 2000 sq.ft. to less that 400 sq ft.  Adjustments are going to be massive!  Everything about our lives is going to change.  From the way I grocery shop, to the way we get along.   I am super stoked about how much money I am going to be saving!  There are so many decisions and ideas into planning for this.  It is ALL about storage space!!  Can I say that again?   S-T-O-R-A-G-E!!!!!!  I watched some documentaries about making this lifestyle change,  and everyone is extremely happy, and given the choice, want to stay in tiny houses.  I plan on documenting everything about this adventure.  I hope you enjoy a glimpse into our huge journey to our tiny home.

Goals board

So I finally got onto foam board what I have been carrying around in my head.  This is my goals board.  It is hanging on the wall next to my bed.  It is the last thing I look at at night and the first thing I see in the morning.  I know this is going to me the boost I need to get my butt moving faster and harder.  I am down 39 pounds.  I am so ready to get out of the 30's.  I have been here for sooo long.  I hope I don't spend this much time in the 40's.  I am trying to switch up some exercises to find what works best for me.  My outer thighs are like body builders but my inner thighs are disgusting.  They look like cottage cheese.  I am loosing more in my upper body than my lower body which is where I need it most.  I am not exactly excited about loosing what little boobs I have but, I am willing to lose front boobs if I am loosing back boobs!! So my challenge to you guys.....Get your goal boards up.  Look at what you are working for.  Put what you need to hear to get it done.  Everyone is different.  For instance some people wouldn't go as far as I do.  I put on my bathroom mirror "Move Fatty".  Some may think a little harsh, but being easy on myself made me 275 pounds.  Let me see your goal boards!

Slackin :(

So guys and gals, I have let myself down a little. I have fallen into my old ways and given myself every excuse not to eat right and exercise. I have officially dropped 35 pounds and I am at 240!! No celebrating yet....that is only because the work I did do has caused my stomach to shrink therefore I don't eat as much. I have let the stress that I am dealing with cause me to lose focus. I have made bad food choices and decided that sleep is more important that getting my butt up and running. Well......NO MORE!!!! I AM going to lose 100 pounds by March 2014!! I only have 65 more pounds to go, thats a little over 8 pounds a month. I have already been doing that. Here's the deal...I need new motivation, obviously. What are some ideas you guys have??? I am open to suggestions. Whatever they may be. Be tough on me guys!! And........GO!!!

First 5k

Today was a huge milestone for me.  I completed my first 5k.  I totally wanted to run the whole thing, but I quickly realized that I just wanted to finish.  I am so proud of myself for not giving up and not backing out.  I had two amazing friends that joined me and an awesome support system there cheering me on.  Now to train for a 10k :) 
I have decided that I am changing my goal vacation spot.  I am going to Ireland!!  I have always wanted to go, and I got my husband to agree to it ;)  I am down 31 pounds, 69 pounds to go till I'm walking the green hills of my ancestors.

Beach or Bust!!!!

This picture is of Hawaii. This is my reward when I have reached my goal weight. My husband doesn't know yet but this is it. I have to give myself something in the end to work towards. My goal is to loose 100 pounds. I would love to do that by March 2014. That would give me a year from the day I started. I have officially lost 28 pounds. I think I can manage 8 lbs a month ;) March 2014 is Richard and I's 10th anniversary, and I would love to lay on the beaches of Hawaii with the love of my life, in the body I am supposed to be in. This week I am so stoked cuz I lost 3 more pounds. It was probably from the stomach bug I had, but hey I'll take it were I can get it. I have kinda had a rough week getting motivated. Motivated to eat the right things and push myself when I exercise. But, stepping on that scale and not seeing it hovering at 250 like it has for over a week was motivation for me. I have finally broke 250. I honestly don't remember the last time I was under 250. Small steps, small steps, small steps.....thats what I tell myself about 50 times a day. Before I would have said "Well, I had that nutty buddy with a side of potatoe chips for lunch. I guess I quit." Not anymore!! I had a nutty buddy for lunch today...but it will not stop me. I have a food addiction, just like a drug addiction. I am sad to say I fell off the wagon. But after looking at the 3 pound loss on the scale today I told myself, that could have been 5 if you had put down the nutty buddy. Small steps, small steps, small steps!!! I am officially 16 days away from my very first 5k. I am so excited and nervous!! But I know this is the first of many accomplishments for me. This is a new me. There is a runner inside of me and I will find her.

Oh what a difference ten years makes...

Wow!  Look what I did to myself in ten years.  I have had a rough week full of doubting myself and falling back into all my own excuses.  I am my own worst enemy.  I have gotten my routine of exercising everyday down.  Now just to get my terrible eating habits under control.  I am a work in progress!! 
On a bright note, I have made a huge step in changing my life.  I have signed up for my very first 5k.  I have a month to get myself ready. I can't wait to cross that finish line!!

First Goal

This picture was taken at Richard and I's graduation party from the police academy.  He proposed to me that night.  One of the happiest days of my life!!  This is my first goal, to be under 200 pounds.  I want to be proud to have my husband spin me around the dance floor again. 
This week has been amazing for me.  The difference is the change in my thinking.  I have overcome obstacles that I have never been able to before.  I thru my food in the trash when I felt full.  I made it past the 2-4 pm hunger everyday that has killed me in the past.  I turned down breakfast burritos and pizza offered to me at work.  I did not eat my favorite ice cream cone while everyone else ate it in front of me.  I did not eat the chips and queso at the Mexican food restaurant.  I worked out 5 days out of the last 6.  I say all of this to say......I'm still alive.  I can do this and I feel GREAT!!!
I had an appointment with a bariatric surgeon at the end of March.  When I left there I felt so ashamed of myself.  Ashamed I let it get this far.  They told me I weighed 275 lbs.  I hadn't gotten on the scale in a long time and tears just started rolling down my face.  I would have swore to you I didn't weigh over 250.  I weighed more than I did with all three pregnancies.  At work on Wednesday night, I bit my lip and stepped on the scale.  I am super excited to say I have lost 22 pounds since March!!  I no longer qualify for bariatric surgery!!  I will keep going!!

Shaming

I have seen all these posts about dog shaming that are hilarious.  While they don't really seem to do any good because the dog doesn't care if you are shaming him, I am hoping it works differently with me.  This is a pic of my backseat.  I go to drive thrus everytime I'm in the car, especially when I'm by myself.  I go even when I'm not hungry.  Whew.....there you go, its out there.
I thought it would be really easy today to let myself off the hook about working out because it was raining.  As we where driving past the track my daughter said "Look mom that guy is working out in the rain."  So we came home and did zumba.  Which by the way kicked my butt!!  So here's to today, make it count!!

Day 1

Well I have made it thru day 1.  Which is an enormous accomplishment for me!!  This is a picture of my dinner plate AFTER I was full.  Yes, that's what I said.....full!!  I put it down when I felt this feeling I have never listened to before.  For the first time I made conscious decisions about what I put or did not put in my mouth.  This is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

Changes

So it has been a long time since I have blogged. I'm going to change things up a bit. I started this blog about my life with my dad. It's still going to be a little about that, but more like my life struggle to be not like my dad. You may say why don't you wanna be like your dad. I strive to be like both my parents, loving,kind,passionate,friendly. I could go on forever. I am talking about health wise. My dad has a metabolic disease which is hereditary. I am overweight and in just as bad of shape as he was at my age. My 5 year old daughter is overweight and I will stop this vicious cycle. I have decided that I live my unhealthy life in secret and that has gotten me to the 275 pounds that I am. I am putting it all out there from now on. I ask everyone of you to hold me accountable. It may sound crazy but I am like a drug addict. Food is my drug. I shovel food down my throat in private. I can't wait to put the kids to bed and my husband to be at work so I can sit in bed and scarf down everything that's not nailed down. I think I should have dessert after every meal. I justify snacks because I walked a mile. I know many of you are saying, well we do the same thing. I'm tired of living my life this way. I will promise to be honest about every part of me. I have watched my mother be on a diet my whole life. I don't want my kids to say the same thing. I have been a terrible mother, teaching my kids my addiction. I want my children to be proud of me. I don't want them to be where I am watching my dad at the age of 53, wasting away to nothing. I have made these commitments to myself and others before and not followed thru. I am ashamed of myself! As my mom and I stood in line 3 days ago for the biggest loser casting call, I found myself looking at everyone else saying "Wow, they are so much more unhealthy than me. They deserve it more than I do." That may have been the reason I didn't make it, but it also put a fire under my butt! Why do I feel someone's else deserves it more than I do? I deserve happiness! My children deserve a happy healthy mom! My husband deserves a wife that is comfortable in her own skin! I ask for each and everyone of you to tell me to get off my butt and move. If you see a donut in my hand, knock it out! If i start making excuses, show me a picture of my dad and my children and give me a swift kick in the butt!!

I try not to think about how my dad used to be.  Its like I'm already mourning him.  I just try to take it day by day.  Sometimes I catch him saying something or doing something and I think, there he is...there's my dad.  When in all actuality the moments of him being "my dad" are getting fewer and fewer.  It still amazes me how even though we have been living with this for what seems like an eternity, there are still times when I can't grasp what is going on.  My dad is having hallucinations now.  Which is weird because the doctors say he is not sick enough for them to do anything yet.  How sick is sick enough anyway?  When you go into liver failure you have just moments to live, is that sick enough?  They all say his test results are not getting any worse, but why does he seem worse?  We went to his endocrinologist this week and she asked him how often he was checking his blood sugar.  He told her at least two times a day.  She checked his meter and told him he was not even checking it once a day.  She also said that on the days his blood sugar was in the 500's that he was not even taking his insulin.  My dad just looked at her and didn't say anything, like she was speaking another language.  All this time we have been preparing his medications, talking to his doctors, taking him to his doctors, fixing his food, doing everything for him..we never thought about his insulin.  He has been a diabetic for over twenty years and has always given himself his shots and checked his blood sugar.  The doctor has decided to put in a continuous glucose monitor to keep an eye on his insulin.  She also told us it is time for us to start taking care of his insulin.  Why does that feel like the final straw to me?  Maybe because that is the only thing he does for himself.  Why doesn't he seem more upset about it?  Just two weeks ago, he threw a very big temper tantrum because we will not let him drive anymore.  He says he has been dreaming about his funeral, but I never know if what is coming out of his mouth is him or the toxins building up in his body.  I sometimes sit and cry because I have a hard time picturing a time when my dad wasn't sick.  I am trying to hold on to every last memory of him I can and make every single second another memory, until we run out of time.

On Feb 7, 2012 We lost my Great Grandfather.  He was 4 months away from turning 100 years old.  This is a picture of him and my daughter.  Chloe absolutely adored him and he was pretty smitten with her.  My mother has visited my grandpa every Sunday for the past 16 years.  It has become quite a tradition that we have "ice cream Sundays" with grandpa.  My children haven't known anything else.  I know that the memories of our Sundays will be with my children forever, and I am so grateful for that.   As we were preparing for his funeral, I was flooded with memories.  Not just memories of my grandpa, but little glimpses of my life.  I was suddenly aware of every breathtaking moment in my life.  And as I thought I was already pretty much a very in touch person with my emotions, very attached to all of my memories, and very determined to make every single second a precious memory.  I realized that I am not done making memories with my dad.  I am not done helping my children to make even more memories with their Papa.  While my dad has so many things fighting against him, within him, trying to kill his body; we are not going to just stand by and let him go.  We all have days, especially my dad, when it seems like enough is enough.  Then we get little glimpses of hope.  Last Friday evening we had to rush my dad to the hospital.  For several days he had been "crashing", his blood sugar dropping dangerously low.  This is very unusual for my dad.  He has been a diabetic for over 20 years.  His normal blood sugar levels are in the 300's, and that's after 850 unit of insulin.  Friday night, my parents went to dinner and by the time they arrived my dad was unresponsive.  My mom took him to the hospital where they found his blood sugar was 54, his pulse was 60, and his blood pressure was 95/56.  This was after 4 glucose tablets and 2 spoons full of peanut butter.  They gave him straight sugar water to his vein and was able to eventually bring all his vitals back up.  He was released several hours later.  We followed up with his Endocrinologist this week and she has decided for the first time in as long as I can remember that he is taking to much insulin.  They cut his insulin in half!!  This may not seem like much to anyone else, but to us it means he is losing weight and moving around enough to not need as much medicine.  His liver doctor is also very proud of the progress he has made in losing weight.  While I always worry that I will lose him, it makes it seem a little further away when we get good news.  I am happy that he feels like he has a reason to fight for.  I know that he has many more memories that he wants to make, and that is all I can hope for!

All of my childhood memories begin and end with family.  On Sundays, the whole family went to church with Granny and Grandaddy.  Afterward, we all had Sunday dinner together.  At that time I didn't think it was unnatural for Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to spend so much time together.  I thought that was how all families were.  We would gather around the piano as my dad played and sing good old gospel hymns.  That was my Grandaddy's favorite thing to do, and now looking back it was probably all of our favorite thing.  Spending time as a family has changed.  I don't know if it feels different because I am grown.  I miss that togetherness, that closeness.  Not to say we do not have the closeness, there are seven of us in one house.  But, its different.  I sometimes wonder if my children feel the same way I did being this close to their grandparents.  I know my dad misses Sunday's at my grandparents.  He talks about it often.  I see more and more of my Grandaddy in my dad.  My dad picks on my kids the same way my Grandaddy picked on us.  I remember my Grandaddy cupping his hand and holding it up to our face when we would cry and say "Cry me a handful of tears", which would always make us laugh.  My dad misses his parents more than anything.  He talks about them a lot.  He will sit and listen to old gospel music and cry and say "that was mommas favorite song".  I don't know what its like to loose your parents yet, and I'm sure it is a pain that never eases.  I dread that pain.  I thank God for the childhood memories I have.  I kinda hope that when I get to heaven that my family will be sitting around the table at Sunday dinner, laughing, singing, and loving forever. 

What if's.......
I am inspired by my friend Alys blog about "what if's".  It got me to thinking about the "what if's" in my life.  Of course the main one is, What if my dad hadn't gotten sick.  That one question opens up the door to thousands more. What if the lines between father and child hadn't been wiped away.  This illness has made that line disappear.  I hate looking at that man who has difficulty walking, hearing, sometimes even talking.  I wonder, what if he is the same man inside his head, he just can't get out.  That thought almost scares me more than the fact that he is dying.  It makes me feel guilty for getting angry or frustrated with him.  I have to constantly remind myself that he is sick.  I don't want to have to not believe everything my dad says because he makes things up.  I don't want to have to watch what my dad says because sometimes he says inappropriate things.  But, I was not asked what I want.  I want my dad back!  Sometimes, I get so angry with God.  How could he let this happen?  My dad was a great man, a strong christian man.  He made it a point to raise his children in a good christian home.  I remember we would have nightly bible studies while I was growing up.  That's how he was raised, and that was the promise he made to his parents, my mom, and God.  How could someone who has done God's work be punished like this. I know that he is not being punished for it is God's love that has allowed us to spend this time with him.  What if I didn't have my faith in God to pull me through this?  I know that it is normal for me to get angry sometimes.  But, I don't know where I would be without my God, my family, my friends, and my memories of my dad.

This is my Dad.  His name is Steve.  He is the best man I have EVER known.  He was an amazing dad, husband, brother, son, and friend.  I don't say "was" because he isn't here anymore.  I say "was" because this horrible disease took him away from us.  He is not the person he used to be.  About five years ago my dad was diagnosed with a metobolic liver disease.  I sold my house and moved myself, my husband, and my three children into my parents house.  My dad had to quit his job and go on disability.  That mountain of a man, who had always been my rock, was shrinking in front of my eyes.  We lived there for a couple years.  My dad seemed to be doing well enough for us to move out, so we did.  One year later my dad was in the hospital barely clinging to life.  He had gone to the hospital because he was having severe pain in his leg.  They quickly located a blood clot.  They took him to surgery to put a screen in his stomach to block the clot from going any further.  He had an allergic reaction to a medication they gave him during the surgery and all of his organs began to shut down.  After two or three days of his kidneys not working they told us there was nothing else they can do.  They decided to move him to the hospital where his doctors are located so he could be closely monitored.  I had never seen that look in my dads eyes before.  Every time I walked in the room I would give him a kiss and tell him "I love you daddy".  He would stare at me for a long time and never say anything, like he was trying to figure out who I was.  Everyone that walked in the room had this look of sorrow and would leave in tears.  My mom did what my mom typically does, like she did when she lost her mom.  She keeps her emotions to herself and puts on a smile and comforts everyone else.  On the way to the other hospital my mom and I were preparing to get there and those doctors tell us the same thing, to get ready for the worst.  When we arrived we walked into dad's room and there he was sitting up laughing and joking around with the nurses in his usual way.  A miracle had happened on his way to the hospital and all his organs had started working.  We joked the bumpy ambulance ride must have jarred his kidneys till they started working.  He did however, suffer permanent kidney damage and now has 30% of his kidney usage.   After a while in the hospital he was back home, and I was moving my family back in.  That was a little over 2 years ago.  He has been in the hospital several more times since then.  Once for sepsis.  This time he was hallucinating from the build up of toxins in his system.  At the time, our coping mechanism for that was to laugh and joke about it.  We could all see the fear in each other eyes through our laughter.  Three months ago my dad went through the week long testing process to be put on the liver and kidney transplant list.  We waited a couple weeks to hear the news we had been waiting to hear for years.  I wanted someone to tell me I was gonna get my dad back.  The news was not what we were expecting.  He was denied.  My dad has now given up hope.  I can not blame him, I don't know what I would do with that news.  On the other hand, I don't understand why my daddy wants to leave me, leave my mom.  I am very glad that my children get to spend every minute with my dad because we do not know how many more we have.  In the mean time, I have to cook and clean and take care of my dad.  I have to drive him because he can not do that anymore.  I find myself having to get on to him just like I do with my kids.  When his toxins are higher he doesn't understand why he needs to bath or brush his teeth.  I do this because I love him so much and its not a "have to" its a "want to" because of all he did for me as a kid.  I just never thought I would be having to take care of my dying father before he turned 53.  I try to be strong like my mom and cry when no one is looking, because my heart is breaking.