Beach or Bust!!!!

This picture is of Hawaii. This is my reward when I have reached my goal weight. My husband doesn't know yet but this is it. I have to give myself something in the end to work towards. My goal is to loose 100 pounds. I would love to do that by March 2014. That would give me a year from the day I started. I have officially lost 28 pounds. I think I can manage 8 lbs a month ;) March 2014 is Richard and I's 10th anniversary, and I would love to lay on the beaches of Hawaii with the love of my life, in the body I am supposed to be in. This week I am so stoked cuz I lost 3 more pounds. It was probably from the stomach bug I had, but hey I'll take it were I can get it. I have kinda had a rough week getting motivated. Motivated to eat the right things and push myself when I exercise. But, stepping on that scale and not seeing it hovering at 250 like it has for over a week was motivation for me. I have finally broke 250. I honestly don't remember the last time I was under 250. Small steps, small steps, small steps.....thats what I tell myself about 50 times a day. Before I would have said "Well, I had that nutty buddy with a side of potatoe chips for lunch. I guess I quit." Not anymore!! I had a nutty buddy for lunch today...but it will not stop me. I have a food addiction, just like a drug addiction. I am sad to say I fell off the wagon. But after looking at the 3 pound loss on the scale today I told myself, that could have been 5 if you had put down the nutty buddy. Small steps, small steps, small steps!!! I am officially 16 days away from my very first 5k. I am so excited and nervous!! But I know this is the first of many accomplishments for me. This is a new me. There is a runner inside of me and I will find her.

Oh what a difference ten years makes...

Wow!  Look what I did to myself in ten years.  I have had a rough week full of doubting myself and falling back into all my own excuses.  I am my own worst enemy.  I have gotten my routine of exercising everyday down.  Now just to get my terrible eating habits under control.  I am a work in progress!! 
On a bright note, I have made a huge step in changing my life.  I have signed up for my very first 5k.  I have a month to get myself ready. I can't wait to cross that finish line!!

First Goal

This picture was taken at Richard and I's graduation party from the police academy.  He proposed to me that night.  One of the happiest days of my life!!  This is my first goal, to be under 200 pounds.  I want to be proud to have my husband spin me around the dance floor again. 
This week has been amazing for me.  The difference is the change in my thinking.  I have overcome obstacles that I have never been able to before.  I thru my food in the trash when I felt full.  I made it past the 2-4 pm hunger everyday that has killed me in the past.  I turned down breakfast burritos and pizza offered to me at work.  I did not eat my favorite ice cream cone while everyone else ate it in front of me.  I did not eat the chips and queso at the Mexican food restaurant.  I worked out 5 days out of the last 6.  I say all of this to say......I'm still alive.  I can do this and I feel GREAT!!!
I had an appointment with a bariatric surgeon at the end of March.  When I left there I felt so ashamed of myself.  Ashamed I let it get this far.  They told me I weighed 275 lbs.  I hadn't gotten on the scale in a long time and tears just started rolling down my face.  I would have swore to you I didn't weigh over 250.  I weighed more than I did with all three pregnancies.  At work on Wednesday night, I bit my lip and stepped on the scale.  I am super excited to say I have lost 22 pounds since March!!  I no longer qualify for bariatric surgery!!  I will keep going!!

Shaming

I have seen all these posts about dog shaming that are hilarious.  While they don't really seem to do any good because the dog doesn't care if you are shaming him, I am hoping it works differently with me.  This is a pic of my backseat.  I go to drive thrus everytime I'm in the car, especially when I'm by myself.  I go even when I'm not hungry.  Whew.....there you go, its out there.
I thought it would be really easy today to let myself off the hook about working out because it was raining.  As we where driving past the track my daughter said "Look mom that guy is working out in the rain."  So we came home and did zumba.  Which by the way kicked my butt!!  So here's to today, make it count!!

Day 1

Well I have made it thru day 1.  Which is an enormous accomplishment for me!!  This is a picture of my dinner plate AFTER I was full.  Yes, that's what I said.....full!!  I put it down when I felt this feeling I have never listened to before.  For the first time I made conscious decisions about what I put or did not put in my mouth.  This is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

Changes

So it has been a long time since I have blogged. I'm going to change things up a bit. I started this blog about my life with my dad. It's still going to be a little about that, but more like my life struggle to be not like my dad. You may say why don't you wanna be like your dad. I strive to be like both my parents, loving,kind,passionate,friendly. I could go on forever. I am talking about health wise. My dad has a metabolic disease which is hereditary. I am overweight and in just as bad of shape as he was at my age. My 5 year old daughter is overweight and I will stop this vicious cycle. I have decided that I live my unhealthy life in secret and that has gotten me to the 275 pounds that I am. I am putting it all out there from now on. I ask everyone of you to hold me accountable. It may sound crazy but I am like a drug addict. Food is my drug. I shovel food down my throat in private. I can't wait to put the kids to bed and my husband to be at work so I can sit in bed and scarf down everything that's not nailed down. I think I should have dessert after every meal. I justify snacks because I walked a mile. I know many of you are saying, well we do the same thing. I'm tired of living my life this way. I will promise to be honest about every part of me. I have watched my mother be on a diet my whole life. I don't want my kids to say the same thing. I have been a terrible mother, teaching my kids my addiction. I want my children to be proud of me. I don't want them to be where I am watching my dad at the age of 53, wasting away to nothing. I have made these commitments to myself and others before and not followed thru. I am ashamed of myself! As my mom and I stood in line 3 days ago for the biggest loser casting call, I found myself looking at everyone else saying "Wow, they are so much more unhealthy than me. They deserve it more than I do." That may have been the reason I didn't make it, but it also put a fire under my butt! Why do I feel someone's else deserves it more than I do? I deserve happiness! My children deserve a happy healthy mom! My husband deserves a wife that is comfortable in her own skin! I ask for each and everyone of you to tell me to get off my butt and move. If you see a donut in my hand, knock it out! If i start making excuses, show me a picture of my dad and my children and give me a swift kick in the butt!!

I try not to think about how my dad used to be.  Its like I'm already mourning him.  I just try to take it day by day.  Sometimes I catch him saying something or doing something and I think, there he is...there's my dad.  When in all actuality the moments of him being "my dad" are getting fewer and fewer.  It still amazes me how even though we have been living with this for what seems like an eternity, there are still times when I can't grasp what is going on.  My dad is having hallucinations now.  Which is weird because the doctors say he is not sick enough for them to do anything yet.  How sick is sick enough anyway?  When you go into liver failure you have just moments to live, is that sick enough?  They all say his test results are not getting any worse, but why does he seem worse?  We went to his endocrinologist this week and she asked him how often he was checking his blood sugar.  He told her at least two times a day.  She checked his meter and told him he was not even checking it once a day.  She also said that on the days his blood sugar was in the 500's that he was not even taking his insulin.  My dad just looked at her and didn't say anything, like she was speaking another language.  All this time we have been preparing his medications, talking to his doctors, taking him to his doctors, fixing his food, doing everything for him..we never thought about his insulin.  He has been a diabetic for over twenty years and has always given himself his shots and checked his blood sugar.  The doctor has decided to put in a continuous glucose monitor to keep an eye on his insulin.  She also told us it is time for us to start taking care of his insulin.  Why does that feel like the final straw to me?  Maybe because that is the only thing he does for himself.  Why doesn't he seem more upset about it?  Just two weeks ago, he threw a very big temper tantrum because we will not let him drive anymore.  He says he has been dreaming about his funeral, but I never know if what is coming out of his mouth is him or the toxins building up in his body.  I sometimes sit and cry because I have a hard time picturing a time when my dad wasn't sick.  I am trying to hold on to every last memory of him I can and make every single second another memory, until we run out of time.