Oh what a difference ten years makes...

Wow!  Look what I did to myself in ten years.  I have had a rough week full of doubting myself and falling back into all my own excuses.  I am my own worst enemy.  I have gotten my routine of exercising everyday down.  Now just to get my terrible eating habits under control.  I am a work in progress!! 
On a bright note, I have made a huge step in changing my life.  I have signed up for my very first 5k.  I have a month to get myself ready. I can't wait to cross that finish line!!

First Goal

This picture was taken at Richard and I's graduation party from the police academy.  He proposed to me that night.  One of the happiest days of my life!!  This is my first goal, to be under 200 pounds.  I want to be proud to have my husband spin me around the dance floor again. 
This week has been amazing for me.  The difference is the change in my thinking.  I have overcome obstacles that I have never been able to before.  I thru my food in the trash when I felt full.  I made it past the 2-4 pm hunger everyday that has killed me in the past.  I turned down breakfast burritos and pizza offered to me at work.  I did not eat my favorite ice cream cone while everyone else ate it in front of me.  I did not eat the chips and queso at the Mexican food restaurant.  I worked out 5 days out of the last 6.  I say all of this to say......I'm still alive.  I can do this and I feel GREAT!!!
I had an appointment with a bariatric surgeon at the end of March.  When I left there I felt so ashamed of myself.  Ashamed I let it get this far.  They told me I weighed 275 lbs.  I hadn't gotten on the scale in a long time and tears just started rolling down my face.  I would have swore to you I didn't weigh over 250.  I weighed more than I did with all three pregnancies.  At work on Wednesday night, I bit my lip and stepped on the scale.  I am super excited to say I have lost 22 pounds since March!!  I no longer qualify for bariatric surgery!!  I will keep going!!

Shaming

I have seen all these posts about dog shaming that are hilarious.  While they don't really seem to do any good because the dog doesn't care if you are shaming him, I am hoping it works differently with me.  This is a pic of my backseat.  I go to drive thrus everytime I'm in the car, especially when I'm by myself.  I go even when I'm not hungry.  Whew.....there you go, its out there.
I thought it would be really easy today to let myself off the hook about working out because it was raining.  As we where driving past the track my daughter said "Look mom that guy is working out in the rain."  So we came home and did zumba.  Which by the way kicked my butt!!  So here's to today, make it count!!

Day 1

Well I have made it thru day 1.  Which is an enormous accomplishment for me!!  This is a picture of my dinner plate AFTER I was full.  Yes, that's what I said.....full!!  I put it down when I felt this feeling I have never listened to before.  For the first time I made conscious decisions about what I put or did not put in my mouth.  This is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

Changes

So it has been a long time since I have blogged. I'm going to change things up a bit. I started this blog about my life with my dad. It's still going to be a little about that, but more like my life struggle to be not like my dad. You may say why don't you wanna be like your dad. I strive to be like both my parents, loving,kind,passionate,friendly. I could go on forever. I am talking about health wise. My dad has a metabolic disease which is hereditary. I am overweight and in just as bad of shape as he was at my age. My 5 year old daughter is overweight and I will stop this vicious cycle. I have decided that I live my unhealthy life in secret and that has gotten me to the 275 pounds that I am. I am putting it all out there from now on. I ask everyone of you to hold me accountable. It may sound crazy but I am like a drug addict. Food is my drug. I shovel food down my throat in private. I can't wait to put the kids to bed and my husband to be at work so I can sit in bed and scarf down everything that's not nailed down. I think I should have dessert after every meal. I justify snacks because I walked a mile. I know many of you are saying, well we do the same thing. I'm tired of living my life this way. I will promise to be honest about every part of me. I have watched my mother be on a diet my whole life. I don't want my kids to say the same thing. I have been a terrible mother, teaching my kids my addiction. I want my children to be proud of me. I don't want them to be where I am watching my dad at the age of 53, wasting away to nothing. I have made these commitments to myself and others before and not followed thru. I am ashamed of myself! As my mom and I stood in line 3 days ago for the biggest loser casting call, I found myself looking at everyone else saying "Wow, they are so much more unhealthy than me. They deserve it more than I do." That may have been the reason I didn't make it, but it also put a fire under my butt! Why do I feel someone's else deserves it more than I do? I deserve happiness! My children deserve a happy healthy mom! My husband deserves a wife that is comfortable in her own skin! I ask for each and everyone of you to tell me to get off my butt and move. If you see a donut in my hand, knock it out! If i start making excuses, show me a picture of my dad and my children and give me a swift kick in the butt!!

I try not to think about how my dad used to be.  Its like I'm already mourning him.  I just try to take it day by day.  Sometimes I catch him saying something or doing something and I think, there he is...there's my dad.  When in all actuality the moments of him being "my dad" are getting fewer and fewer.  It still amazes me how even though we have been living with this for what seems like an eternity, there are still times when I can't grasp what is going on.  My dad is having hallucinations now.  Which is weird because the doctors say he is not sick enough for them to do anything yet.  How sick is sick enough anyway?  When you go into liver failure you have just moments to live, is that sick enough?  They all say his test results are not getting any worse, but why does he seem worse?  We went to his endocrinologist this week and she asked him how often he was checking his blood sugar.  He told her at least two times a day.  She checked his meter and told him he was not even checking it once a day.  She also said that on the days his blood sugar was in the 500's that he was not even taking his insulin.  My dad just looked at her and didn't say anything, like she was speaking another language.  All this time we have been preparing his medications, talking to his doctors, taking him to his doctors, fixing his food, doing everything for him..we never thought about his insulin.  He has been a diabetic for over twenty years and has always given himself his shots and checked his blood sugar.  The doctor has decided to put in a continuous glucose monitor to keep an eye on his insulin.  She also told us it is time for us to start taking care of his insulin.  Why does that feel like the final straw to me?  Maybe because that is the only thing he does for himself.  Why doesn't he seem more upset about it?  Just two weeks ago, he threw a very big temper tantrum because we will not let him drive anymore.  He says he has been dreaming about his funeral, but I never know if what is coming out of his mouth is him or the toxins building up in his body.  I sometimes sit and cry because I have a hard time picturing a time when my dad wasn't sick.  I am trying to hold on to every last memory of him I can and make every single second another memory, until we run out of time.

On Feb 7, 2012 We lost my Great Grandfather.  He was 4 months away from turning 100 years old.  This is a picture of him and my daughter.  Chloe absolutely adored him and he was pretty smitten with her.  My mother has visited my grandpa every Sunday for the past 16 years.  It has become quite a tradition that we have "ice cream Sundays" with grandpa.  My children haven't known anything else.  I know that the memories of our Sundays will be with my children forever, and I am so grateful for that.   As we were preparing for his funeral, I was flooded with memories.  Not just memories of my grandpa, but little glimpses of my life.  I was suddenly aware of every breathtaking moment in my life.  And as I thought I was already pretty much a very in touch person with my emotions, very attached to all of my memories, and very determined to make every single second a precious memory.  I realized that I am not done making memories with my dad.  I am not done helping my children to make even more memories with their Papa.  While my dad has so many things fighting against him, within him, trying to kill his body; we are not going to just stand by and let him go.  We all have days, especially my dad, when it seems like enough is enough.  Then we get little glimpses of hope.  Last Friday evening we had to rush my dad to the hospital.  For several days he had been "crashing", his blood sugar dropping dangerously low.  This is very unusual for my dad.  He has been a diabetic for over 20 years.  His normal blood sugar levels are in the 300's, and that's after 850 unit of insulin.  Friday night, my parents went to dinner and by the time they arrived my dad was unresponsive.  My mom took him to the hospital where they found his blood sugar was 54, his pulse was 60, and his blood pressure was 95/56.  This was after 4 glucose tablets and 2 spoons full of peanut butter.  They gave him straight sugar water to his vein and was able to eventually bring all his vitals back up.  He was released several hours later.  We followed up with his Endocrinologist this week and she has decided for the first time in as long as I can remember that he is taking to much insulin.  They cut his insulin in half!!  This may not seem like much to anyone else, but to us it means he is losing weight and moving around enough to not need as much medicine.  His liver doctor is also very proud of the progress he has made in losing weight.  While I always worry that I will lose him, it makes it seem a little further away when we get good news.  I am happy that he feels like he has a reason to fight for.  I know that he has many more memories that he wants to make, and that is all I can hope for!