What if's.......
I am inspired by my friend Alys blog about "what if's".  It got me to thinking about the "what if's" in my life.  Of course the main one is, What if my dad hadn't gotten sick.  That one question opens up the door to thousands more. What if the lines between father and child hadn't been wiped away.  This illness has made that line disappear.  I hate looking at that man who has difficulty walking, hearing, sometimes even talking.  I wonder, what if he is the same man inside his head, he just can't get out.  That thought almost scares me more than the fact that he is dying.  It makes me feel guilty for getting angry or frustrated with him.  I have to constantly remind myself that he is sick.  I don't want to have to not believe everything my dad says because he makes things up.  I don't want to have to watch what my dad says because sometimes he says inappropriate things.  But, I was not asked what I want.  I want my dad back!  Sometimes, I get so angry with God.  How could he let this happen?  My dad was a great man, a strong christian man.  He made it a point to raise his children in a good christian home.  I remember we would have nightly bible studies while I was growing up.  That's how he was raised, and that was the promise he made to his parents, my mom, and God.  How could someone who has done God's work be punished like this. I know that he is not being punished for it is God's love that has allowed us to spend this time with him.  What if I didn't have my faith in God to pull me through this?  I know that it is normal for me to get angry sometimes.  But, I don't know where I would be without my God, my family, my friends, and my memories of my dad.